🗡️The Worst Pitches I've Ever Received🗡️

Welcome to Marketing Scares Month, Montressor. Your amontillado is right here in the back of my inbox

Hi hello, Wil Williams here with a bold claim: the genre of Fleabag (2016) is horror. Horror and comedy are two sides of the same coin, given they both rely on a rug pull visceral reaction to subverted expectations. Fleabag is a comedy, but it’s got emotional jump scares.

This is also how I conceptualize my inbox.

Here’s the thing about journalists. We get so many pitch emails every single day. I have worked in marketing and not journalism for over a year, and every day, I am still getting some of the worst press emails imaginable. Many of these are so bad they’re hilarious. Many of these are so bad that they’re so hilarious that they circle all the way back to deep existential dread. Comedy and horror: they’re both the same eventually.

Today, I will tell you about some of the worst pitch emails I’ve ever received that you can be better.

Please be better.

None of the examples here will be verbatim copied and pasted from my inbox, but rest assured, they are close enough.

😘Hey Bestieeeeeee!~

Hey bestie!

Did you HEAR about the new episode of [PODCAST] with [GUEST]? Omg, it was so crazy!!! We’d love if you could talk about how wild this episode was in a review for [publication]. A little birdie told me you MIGHT even be able to land an episode with [HOST]! Okay, stay cute and sexy, mwah mwah, you’re my fave!

So here’s the thing: I had literally never met this person in my life, ever. Literally who are you. We had not interacted in any capacity, at any moment, before receiving this email. I had never heard of the podcast, the guest, or the host.

And to make matters worse, I could tell this wasn’t just overly casual; it was an overly-casual form letter. They knew me (a literal 100% stranger) as much as they knew the other probably 50 people they were emailing, calling all of us besties. Deeply unhinged behavior.

I actually love pitches and press releases that are a little informal, especially if I’ve met someone before. Showing you know your recipient is a real human person is good. Acting like you go way back is weird.

Be polite and be professional. You don’t have to be all buttoned up, but man, I dunno, at least have a shirt on about it. Try something more like:

Hey Wil!

I saw your recent review of 5-4 and thought you might like this episode of [PODCAST]! It’s such a wild conversation: [HOST] ([BONA FIDES]) talks to [GUEST] ([BONA FIDES]) all about [CONVO TOPIC]. We’d love if you could cover the episode on [PUBLICATION]. Let me know if you’re interested — and [HOST] can be made available for interview, too!
Have a good week! Enjoy the fall vibes!

🤪We’re not like other podcasts — we’re RAW

Hey Wil,

You should check out our show, [PODCAST]. It’s not like other podcasts. It’s raw. Our show is totally unedited so you get the whole unfiltered conversation. We’re funny and we’re REAL. We think not editing makes us special and, in fact, super good as hell, way better than people who edit like chumps. If anything, not editing means we work even harder and for more hours, due to math. Give it a listen!

Okay cool! So it’s a fight. You’ve come here to duel me. One of us will not be leaving this email thread alive, and I’ve left a trail of opponents so far behind me, so your odds are not looking great here, buddy.

There’s so much wrong with this, but let’s just focus on one thing: that is literally like 90% of podcasts that exist. This shows me that not only do you not know a thing about me — you also don’t know a thing about your own industry.

Before thinking you’re an exception to a rule, do some market research. With so many podcasts in existence, it is extremely, extremely unlikely that you are the first to do anything. Do not expect that any of your production style is unique. Expect, instead, that the uniqueness of your podcast is in its content and its hosts — and even then, uniqueness often doesn’t really matter.

Instead, focus on what you’re making and why. I care a lot more about what you’re trying to provide your listener and what impact you hope it makes than a flashy gimmick that has almost absolutely been done before, and especially especially if that gimmick makes your podcast worse (like not editing).

‼️SPECIAL VARIANT: “Hey Wil! We’ve done something nobody else has ever done: we’re making a MOVIE for your EARS! We’re taking a stage play and making it a podcast! We’re different from other podcasts because ours actually isn’t a true story. It’s fiction!” I will kill you with my hands and also teeth. Learn ANYTHING.

Instead, try something like:

Hey Wil!

I wanted to reach out to you about my show [PODCAST]. We’re a conversational podcast similar to [PODCAST YOU KNOW I LIKE] and [PODCAST YOU KNOW I LIKE].

📅New episode! 📆New episode! 🗓️New episode!

Hello all,

Here are the network’s new releases today:

• [PODCAST NAME]: Episode title

• [PODCAST NAME]: Episode title

• [PODCAST NAME]: Episode title

• [PODCAST NAME]: Episode title

• [PODCAST NAME]: Episode title

We will send you another email of every single episode we release tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, filling your inbox endlessly, rendering you the Sisyphus of inbox zero.

Please . . . please . . . my inbox . . . it’s already dead . . . please . . .

I talk often about how timeliness is key when reaching out to writers. Writers have to prioritize, and if there isn’t a timely reason why they should write about your podcast (a new show or season starting, an especially exciting guest, an episode pinned to something happening in the news), there will be plenty of reasons to write about anything else.

The opposite of this is telling a writer that an episode has aired. Like, so? People release podcast episodes every day. You do not need to tell me that there is a new episode of the podcast, because if I care about it, I am subscribed to it, and I will listen to it, because my job is listening to podcasts.

All this does is give me more useless garbage in my inbox. Please only email; writers when you have a reason to — and it better be a good reason.

Instead of the episode update email, try something like this:

Hey Wil!

Here’s five million dollars for you, for free! Thank you for being the funniest person alive. You do make the best creme brulee, and that girl in high school who said you look like a penguin was so wrong. You can take your money and we will never contact you again.

♾️Some goofy bonuses

I also get a bunch of pitch emails that are just really silly and clearly automated. The main problem with these is that it shows their PR and marketing people don’t know anything about who they’re emailing, and they’re sending me things I just have never written about. Don’t do that!

• Lifetime regularly emails me about their movies despite never having written on Lifetime movies and not being a film or TV critic

• I get a lot of pitches about sports podcasts, and not even sports I do like, like figure skating or gymnastics

• Sometimes people who have been actively and openly hostile to me more than once still send me pitch letters

• I also get a lot of pitches to advertise weight loss supplements, and I am a fat person who is fine with being fat

• And of course, the podcasting all-timer: “I want to be a guest on your podcast” when the podcast does not have guests and is literally a piece of scripted fiction

💫 More Magic:

• 🏆Tink paired up with the Signal Awards to make a guide on how you can use an award nomination or win to market your podcast! This free resource is available over on Signal’s Finalists Resources page — and while it’s true for all Signal winners and nominees, it can translate to other awards too. Here’s looking at you, New Jersey Web Fest folks!

🌝 From The Desk of Tink

Fool and Scholar, creators of The White Vault, are giving us so much for spooky season and I am so grateful. Alongside the upcoming release of the new season of The White Vault: Goshawk, they’re also releasing a completely new show, and their first foray into nonfiction: That Scares Me Too, dropping on the 15th (but you can subscribe now!). Each episode goes into a scary story, myth, or piece of folklore from Asia from Dr. Sophie Yang and K.A. Statz. I can’t wait to be scared senseless.

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Next week, Shreya is back with more marketing scares! 😱

Until then, send me five million dollars thanks!

—Wil🦇